FACEBOOK: TIPS for YOU

Don’t you just luuurrrrve it when someone posts their entire personal life in a series of status updates? Yeah, I mean it in the most sarcastic way possible. Get a life man! Nobody cares! Not even the dude/gal you are addressing. (If you think this post is about u, rest assured it most probably is :D)




Now, some people will argue how different am I posting this addressing you. For all I know, you might not care either. But you do… baby, I know you do. Though, I will try to give you a benefit of doubt here. Probably you thought the entire world just sits on the edge of their seats trying to find out what’s up in your love life. Probably you thought your life is just a teensy bit stretched out KJo movie that people actually pay 250/- per head to watch first day first show. Probably you thought one of your friends might just turn out to be the next Ekta Kapoor who would write a 1000 episode epic on your life story. It could happen. It really could. But just in case it doesn’t, here are a few pointers to actually know how normal people react to your status updates.



• When you say something like… you broke my heart, you broke my spirit, you left me out in the cold... but I don’t need you... I am happy. HAPPY!!! Its just plain sad. Everyone knows you are trying too hard to prove a point. If you are happy, you tell the world how you are enjoying yourself… and don’t think of who broke your heart and when and how… you just… stay happy



• Ok, so you put up “I am soooo depressed” update once and u had an overwhelming response… but give it a rest already. Even the best stories in life seem stale after you have heard it like a 1000 times



• Also don’t put up enigmatic status updates… eg “so frustrated!!” comment: why what happened? You: you wont understand :-/… ok so if you don’t want to share what it is, don’t put up the frickin’ update



• Don’t like your own status update. Just… don’t do it.



• Ever heard of the idiot who tried to start a chain status update? That idiot DIED!!!



I guess this is it for now… till you something dorkier next time. I will be back. Doubt mat rakhna  till then, ciao



(Disclaimer: the “you” I am referring to may or may not be in my friend list. It might not be even the same person everytime I put up a point. So please, don’t get emotional reading this post. Yeah, I am talking to YOU :P)

FACEBOOK WITHDRAWAL

This was how my typical day went like…

Get up late – check facebook – go to hospital – stay connected to facebook via facebook mobile –  come back home – have lunch – check facebook – go out to meet my friends – stay connected to facebook via facebook mobile – return home – have dinner – log in facebook – stay logged in till its very, very late.

In short, I was a facebook addict.

Then one fine day, for no reason – logical or otherwise – I decided to quit. When I first deactivated my account I felt a feeling of release. It was as though I had conquered something great. But like any other addiction, quitting leads to withdrawal symptoms. And it’s not like there are support groups to help you cope with this. Pity that there is no facebook anonymous or anything of that sort coz if there was such a thing, I’d have applied for a lifetime membership. 

As soon as I started the internet connection the mouse automatically went towards the facebook icon. Facebook was just one click away but I knew I had to be strong. First symptom of facebook withdrawal – you notice other sites, too. I switched on gtalk instead. 2 people online, one idle. Fond memories of facebook filled my thoughts. At any given point of time facebook had at least 8 people online. For the first time in my life, I had nothing to do online.  Second symptom of facebook withdrawal – securing new heights of joblessness.

It is very difficult to keep in touch with more than a few dozen people at a time let alone the 200 odd “friends” I had on facebook. It was funny I never wondered what was going on in their lives before. No, that is not entirely true… it was just that I never Had to wonder, what with 50 status updates everyone put … complete with insanely outrageous grammar and equally devastating spelling errors (I had “hidden” most of my “friends” just coz I couldn’t stand their status updates) but now I found the third symptom of facebook withdrawal. Wondering what everyone was up to.

Ah… it’s not that bad. You get used to all this in a few days. By the third or fourth day you even feel you can live without facebook. And it is true. It is nothing you can’t live without. You tend to look up to other stuff to fill your minds and life goes on without much difference. And one fine day you get over the addiction. And you feel whole again.

Bulls. Who am I kidding? That day never comes. Facebook never really deactivates your account... as soon as you log in; you are back like nothing ever happened. Half the people haven’t even noticed your absence. (Sad but a bit of a relief, a whole lot less number of people you have to explain your absence to) Even if you want to permanently delete your account, the account is preserved for 14 days (for security reasons they say, but the real reason is that they know that very few people can actually resist the temptation of logging in for that long)

Like any other addict you look for reasons… hey it’s not like I m going to smoke again, but it doesn’t harm to keep a pack in the house does it... I m just keeping the bottle in case guests come over… It doesn’t hurt to keep the account open; I will keep it down this time… And those who think they can write; write an account of their experiences of addictions and subsequent withdrawal symptoms. And then they vow never to log into facebook again. Facebook is evil… evil... evil… EVIL

Anyway… I think I have ranted enough. And it has done nothing to get rid of my boredom. I am going to log into facebook again. I mean… I know I am trying to quit… its addictive and all that blah blah… but it doesn’t hurt to keep the account open, does it? I will keep it down this time… pakka… promise… :-/