Don’t you just luuurrrrve it when someone posts their entire personal life in a series of status updates? Yeah, I mean it in the most sarcastic way possible. Get a life man! Nobody cares! Not even the dude/gal you are addressing. (If you think this post is about u, rest assured it most probably is :D)
Now, some people will argue how different am I posting this addressing you. For all I know, you might not care either. But you do… baby, I know you do. Though, I will try to give you a benefit of doubt here. Probably you thought the entire world just sits on the edge of their seats trying to find out what’s up in your love life. Probably you thought your life is just a teensy bit stretched out KJo movie that people actually pay 250/- per head to watch first day first show. Probably you thought one of your friends might just turn out to be the next Ekta Kapoor who would write a 1000 episode epic on your life story. It could happen. It really could. But just in case it doesn’t, here are a few pointers to actually know how normal people react to your status updates.
• When you say something like… you broke my heart, you broke my spirit, you left me out in the cold... but I don’t need you... I am happy. HAPPY!!! Its just plain sad. Everyone knows you are trying too hard to prove a point. If you are happy, you tell the world how you are enjoying yourself… and don’t think of who broke your heart and when and how… you just… stay happy
• Ok, so you put up “I am soooo depressed” update once and u had an overwhelming response… but give it a rest already. Even the best stories in life seem stale after you have heard it like a 1000 times
• Also don’t put up enigmatic status updates… eg “so frustrated!!” comment: why what happened? You: you wont understand :-/… ok so if you don’t want to share what it is, don’t put up the frickin’ update
• Don’t like your own status update. Just… don’t do it.
• Ever heard of the idiot who tried to start a chain status update? That idiot DIED!!!
I guess this is it for now… till you something dorkier next time. I will be back. Doubt mat rakhna till then, ciao
(Disclaimer: the “you” I am referring to may or may not be in my friend list. It might not be even the same person everytime I put up a point. So please, don’t get emotional reading this post. Yeah, I am talking to YOU :P)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
ON WORKING IN A HOSPITAL
Now, this says a lot about how lazy I was even when I was that young but let’s skip that discussion. The point is, through this anecdote of mine I have realized that one of my first ambitions was to work in a hospital. Now God has really funny ways of screwing me up. I mean none of my wishes came true when I really meant them. Like the time I really wanted to top that exam… or I really wanted that dude to notice me… or I really wanted to… well, it doesn’t matter, none of that happened. But THIS he listens. And so, I came to work in a hospital.
But a far cry from hair swishing, unbuttoned white coats flying, stethoscope wielding image of hospital staff that TV serials or movies portray, hospital life is as de-glamorous as it can get. You don’t get time to have your morning tea, let alone apply make up before going for work. You can’t smile your million dollar smile at the patients’ irate relatives and put them at peace. You do not calmly put that white sheet on the patient with apologetic eyes and declare that the relatives were too late…
Each failed case leaves a scar. Every time you get close to a really jolly 30 year old who later gets detected with cancer or cardiac cirrhosis, a part of you dies inside to think that the person will have grueling god-knows-how-many years ahead. 16 year olds admitted with case of organophosphate poisoning, 14 year olds taken to bed forever due to a freak road traffic accident, 2 year old toddlers in a fire accident with third degree burns… to think if u let yourself get scarred every time this happens it won’t take long for you to be dead inside. But you let yourself feel the pain anyway.
Too sentimental? I guess I did go a bit overboard there. Because every makes-you-want-to-kill-yourself thing has a makes-you-want-to-live-to-be-a-hundred side. The joy of knowing that you are a part of the team that cured the patient, the gratitude of their loved ones, the 8th of every month (when you get your pay :P), knowing that people trust you, no matter what: sort of makes up for everything that messes with your head. It is here where, like any other place you find the world’s best colleagues… feel a sense of importance when there is an emergency… feel the respect and the humility that goes hand in hand when you don the white coat
Life in a hospital is barely a life. But even then every time you walk out after a shift, you can’t help but take another glance at the building, an insignificant speck on the vast cosmos that we call the universe, and yet quite significant in that one place which is not nearly as vast as that universe, but a universe for you, nonetheless J
Friday, July 9, 2010
winning 'em back
The year was 2003 and the air was buzzing with a new movie to be released titled “how to lose a guy in 10 days.” A young, fresh out of school girl found the whole concept very intriguing and googled the title so she could read reviews. And what she found instead were self-help sites titled “how to win your ex back in 10 days” or “step by step guide to get him crawling back to you.” Now, she had no illusions about herself or her looks… or her weight; she knew that finding a boyfriend for her is going to take years, (if not decades) and then maybe a few weeks later he would become her ex. So she ignored the sites and closed the tab dejected that she hadn’t found the review.
5 years later…
After being with a guy for a few months and then being dumped rather unceremoniously she had no intentions of even looking at his dumb face again, let alone to try winning him back. However, some things are unexplainable and somehow her thoughts kept going back to the self help sites she had opened years ago. She decided there was no harm in checking them out just for fun and she did. And oh my god!!
Conflicting views, drastically regressive and cheaply manipulative mind games were out there for grabs. “Ignore him till he calls you”, “try to remain as happy as you can and make sure he knows it” , “start seeing other men.” Yeah right. If that was that easy I don’t think there would have been any poets in the world. (Except for wordsworth; I guess, he wrote a poem on daffodils for crying out loud and to this date I think it is one of the most over rated poems I ever read. I would have gladly exchanged roshesh’s poems instead in my textbooks. Anywho… I don’t want to be beaten to death by any of his fans so continuing with the plot) the point is, those were the theories pelted at heartbroken girls all over the world.
Just for the heck of it, she checked the male counterpart of that self help guide – “How to get HER crawling back to you.” Wonderful advice, not at all manipulative and I-did-not-see-this-coming methods were listed for the heartbroken guys: “Ignore her till she calls you”, “try to remain as happy as you can and make sure she knows it” , “start seeing other women.” Hmm… wonder what if both the parties want to get their ex back, neither of them will call each other going by these guidelines and both of them will see how the other is so damn happy without them and end up thinking that the other person doesn’t care. Wow!
And after each of these self help guidelines were the oh-so-astonishing words, for the full fledged guide, send in a check of 5 dollars (see? So cheap) and get a book free. Money back, no questions asked if the formula doesn’t work. I have no idea how many actually get suckered into the whole fiasco.
What do I think? I think ex is ex for a reason - whether it is an ex boyfriend/girlfriend or just a really good friend. If things have gone to the brink so much that either one of you doesn’t want to even look at the other, or apologizing isn’t helping, then it’s better to leave things the way they are. You never know when you would run back into them, and then get chatting again, all differences, heartache forgotten to find a newfound friendship within yourselves.
As for the girl, she got to watch that movie 9 years after it’s release. She enjoyed it. With her friends. And when she was watching love blossom between the leads, she wasn’t even thinking of her ex.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
turn back time
(**Author's note: Sometimes you experience something akin to writer's block, when you have a great concept in your head but you you just don't seem to be able to present it to your satisfaction. You know what i mean? Oh you do! Great so thats what's happening to me lately. Presenting one of my lesser creative pieces...)
TURN BACK TIME
TURN BACK TIME
Once again, a casual conversation between my friend and me made me think of him. Hardly a big surprise considering I tend to associate every little thought with him. Most of the times nostalgia hits me like a wave leaving me mulling over things for weeks. Sometimes I make a lucky escape if I get distracted with other things or a nightmare or two. This time it was different though. Usual thoughts had crowded my brain- life would have been better without him in it or I wish I had never sent him that friend request or I wish I had never gotten so close to him. I am not sure if it was a dream, or just my imagination working overtime. But somehow I got a second chance.
I was sitting under a tree in a park, pretending to read a book, thinking about him. I noticed a girl staring at me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while I started to feel a bit self conscious. I gave her a tentative smile and she took it as an invitation to come over and talk to me.
“Hi. What book is that?”
I mumbled “a thousand splendid suns” as I couldn’t think of any way to ask her to get lost.
“You are not really reading that, are you?”
“Hmm.”
“It doesn’t help to think and rethink imagining different scenarios in your mind. You have to accept things the way they are, you know. That’s life.”
This girl was giving me the creeps but I instinctively knew she knew what she was talking about. Even then, that didn’t give her any right coming here and infiltrating my thoughts.
“I know it does no good but somehow I can’t help thinking about it. Life would have been a lot different if some things hadn’t gone the way they had. And you are right about having to accept things they way they are. And that’s the part which just pisses me off. The compulsion. If only I could turn back time, things could have been different. I would have been happier.”
“Well, so then, if u had a chance to turn back time, which day would you go to?”
“Hypothetically?”
“Sure,” she gave a non committal shrug,
“Probably the day I met him. I sent this complete stranger a friend request on orkut. What was I thinking?”
“probably it was just your instincts that drew you to him. The voice of your soul.”
“I wish the voice would have just shut up.”
“Fine, then you go back in time. This time I will be your voice of reason and I will not let you send him a friend request. Lets see if you would listen to me. Lets see how that goes.’
*****
I was sitting at a terminal in an internet café going through profiles of my friends. I saw him in friend list of one of my friends. He looked very familiar. Like I have spoken to him before, seen him before. I didn’t know why I kept returning back to his profile. But the truth was I did. And it had been three consecutive days since I have been staring at his profile picture trying to recall where I had seen him before. I checked his profile. Same college as mine. So he was not totally a stranger. It wouldn’t hurt to send him a friend request, would it?
But there was no point adding him either. I didn’t know him. We obviously didn’t run in the same circles or else we would have come across one another. For all I know, he could turn out to be a freak and I would curse the day I ever tried to initiate contact. With so much of reasoning I had done with myself, I thought I would rather not initiate any sort of contact. And so I just let it be.
I completed my graduation that year, went on for my post graduation and everything was quite uneventful. I had nothing to complain about. And yet, many times I kept wishing I had someone special in life. I had no idea why every time I thought about having “someone special” my thoughts kept drifting towards that day in the internet café when I kept staring at that guy’s profile picture.
That particular day all my friends had plans with either their family or “special ones” and so I didn’t have anything to do in particular. I was bored sitting at home and so armed with my copy of a thousand splendid suns I went to a nearby park when I noticed a girl staring at me. I got an overwhelming sense of déjà vu and I gave that girl a tentative smile. She came to talk to me.
“So are you happy now?”
At first the question just confused me and then suddenly I remembered. Both the timelines were etched in my memory with startling clarity.
“You got our wish. You turned back time and did everything differently. But I can’t let you remember both the stories. You will have to give one up. So which one is it?”
I didn’t know what to say. Without him, everything was just fine. I was spared the heartbreak of having to let him go, the incessant obsession sessions I had to go through before I finally accepted the fact that he and I could never be together, my life was much, much happier without him. Everything was perfect. It was a no brainer which timeline I should choose. So when I spoke to her, my voice was confident.
“I choose the first timeline. I want to meet him. Do everything I did it the first time.”
She smiled as though she had known my answer all along. But then again, she probably knew everything.
“Fine. It is your wish.”
“Do you think I made the right choice?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.”
And then she disappeared. The other timeline is slowly fading from my memory and once again I am tempted to rethink my decision. But then again, I think I should embrace every mistake I did. Because every mistake had helped my life shape up the way it is now. And I am quite happy with my life. even with its many disappointments. As for him, in words of Nick Mercer from the movie “The wedding date” – I think I would miss you even if we had never met.” This way at least I get to meet him, know him and enjoy all the wonderful memories.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
FACEBOOK WITHDRAWAL
This was how my typical day went like…
Get up late – check facebook – go to hospital – stay connected to facebook via facebook mobile – come back home – have lunch – check facebook – go out to meet my friends – stay connected to facebook via facebook mobile – return home – have dinner – log in facebook – stay logged in till its very, very late.
In short, I was a facebook addict.
Then one fine day, for no reason – logical or otherwise – I decided to quit. When I first deactivated my account I felt a feeling of release. It was as though I had conquered something great. But like any other addiction, quitting leads to withdrawal symptoms. And it’s not like there are support groups to help you cope with this. Pity that there is no facebook anonymous or anything of that sort coz if there was such a thing, I’d have applied for a lifetime membership.
As soon as I started the internet connection the mouse automatically went towards the facebook icon. Facebook was just one click away but I knew I had to be strong. First symptom of facebook withdrawal – you notice other sites, too. I switched on gtalk instead. 2 people online, one idle. Fond memories of facebook filled my thoughts. At any given point of time facebook had at least 8 people online. For the first time in my life, I had nothing to do online. Second symptom of facebook withdrawal – securing new heights of joblessness.
It is very difficult to keep in touch with more than a few dozen people at a time let alone the 200 odd “friends” I had on facebook. It was funny I never wondered what was going on in their lives before. No, that is not entirely true… it was just that I never Had to wonder, what with 50 status updates everyone put … complete with insanely outrageous grammar and equally devastating spelling errors (I had “hidden” most of my “friends” just coz I couldn’t stand their status updates) but now I found the third symptom of facebook withdrawal. Wondering what everyone was up to.
Ah… it’s not that bad. You get used to all this in a few days. By the third or fourth day you even feel you can live without facebook. And it is true. It is nothing you can’t live without. You tend to look up to other stuff to fill your minds and life goes on without much difference. And one fine day you get over the addiction. And you feel whole again.
Bulls. Who am I kidding? That day never comes. Facebook never really deactivates your account... as soon as you log in; you are back like nothing ever happened. Half the people haven’t even noticed your absence. (Sad but a bit of a relief, a whole lot less number of people you have to explain your absence to) Even if you want to permanently delete your account, the account is preserved for 14 days (for security reasons they say, but the real reason is that they know that very few people can actually resist the temptation of logging in for that long)
Like any other addict you look for reasons… hey it’s not like I m going to smoke again, but it doesn’t harm to keep a pack in the house does it... I m just keeping the bottle in case guests come over… It doesn’t hurt to keep the account open; I will keep it down this time… And those who think they can write; write an account of their experiences of addictions and subsequent withdrawal symptoms. And then they vow never to log into facebook again. Facebook is evil… evil... evil… EVIL
Anyway… I think I have ranted enough. And it has done nothing to get rid of my boredom. I am going to log into facebook again. I mean… I know I am trying to quit… its addictive and all that blah blah… but it doesn’t hurt to keep the account open, does it? I will keep it down this time… pakka… promise… :-/
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Replacing You
i didn't want you to stay
but got disappointed all the same
when i saw you walk away
I've been searching for you since
in every friend and foe
in every person i meet
in everyone i know
they see me all happy outside
I've moved on, they say
i would have, for real too
but try as i may...
i cried i laughed, i broke my heart
but one thing i couldn't do
was find the one person in life
who could've replaced you
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
YANG AND YANG
I sat at our regular hang out place. He and I had discovered this place when we were in college and had fallen in love with it. The food was reasonable and the owners never made us get up even if we had been sitting for hours. We called it our “adda” our den, our haven. I checked my watch and saw I was 20 minutes early. I still had time. He had never been late either. He would always be on time to see his buddy.
Buddy.
That word had bothered me since forever. He always thought of me as “one of the guys.” And that meant that our friendship was pure platonic. And I would have sold my soul to be something more that. The fear though that my feelings would ruin our friendship always kept creeping at the back of my head. In his defense, I really was different than most girls. For one, I didn’t care about my appearance. my shopping mostly consisted of picking up the first set of clothes I saw at the store. Accessories were just a burden to me. Romantic movies were a source of comic entertainment, and I was an ardent follower of NBA and football matches. But I never regretted not doing all those things my gal pals did; because these were the very things that had brought me close to him. These were those things that were common between him and me. Every time there was a football match we would settle down in front of our television sets and keep taunting each other every time our team scored a goal. Even if it was over the phone. He even taught me how to cuss.
And now he was on his way so I could meet his girlfriend. I saw him park his bike and my heart skipped a beat. He had come alone! Maybe the girl had backed out or something. Maybe they had a break up! Even as I thought of it I knew I might be off by a long shot. But hey, it wouldn’t hurt to wish now, would it?
“Hey nice shirt!”
i snapped out of my wishful thinking.
“You too, I guess. What’s with the pink formal shirt?”
“Gift from her on my birthday. She insisted I wear it today. She should be here any moment now, by the way. She never comes on time”
i didn’t want to continue the conversation. As long as she wasn’t here we could talk about anything else. I wanted him for myself but my pride did not let me say that out loud. I remembered his dislike for sloppy late comers and I wondered what had changed him.
“There she is”
And sure enough she was exactly as she had pictured her. Completely covered from head to toe with scarves, jackets and what not, she had already found a parking space. Very daintily, she got off her pink scooty pep. Then she opened her “dikki.” Then she took off the scarf and folded it and kept it in. then she took off her sun coat and repeated the procedure. Then out came the gloves. Then she struggled to close her over packed dikki and finally she was done. Not quite. She walked over to her rear view mirror and checked her hair.
i had to roll my eyes at that. God what did he see in her? She was so typical!
“So, this is she,” he introduced her.
We shook hands. I asked if she was going to have anything. She just crinkled her nose and said something about trying to lose weight. I didn’t see why she needed to do that. She looked perfectly normal to me. He had his hand over her shoulder which kinda distracted me from my line of thought. He and I both ordered a coffee and some eatables. The conversation was light but I couldn’t help wondering how different they were from each other. She was the kind of girls we used to laugh at together, the kind of girl we made wicked imitations of. I always thought her kind would never interest him. But here we were, in our adda. With her as a third wheel, spoiling our fun. Or was it my jealousy speaking. I didn’t know. I didn’t care. I wanted to leave.
I was relieved when the food finally came.
“mmm that looks good. Mind if I taste some?”
Gawd! If she wanted to eat something why make such a big fuss about her weight issues. She was driving me crazy. And if she was driving me crazy, technically she should have driven him crazy too! I mean we were virtually the same person! We thought alike, we liked the same things, even our behaviour was alike. These two were just like chalk and cheese.
And that’s when it hit me. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe we were too alike. Maybe I just had a live demonstration of opposites attract. The yin and yang theory. Yin always required a yang for being complete. Two yangs just made a weird dark blotch. As I saw them feed each other little bites of food I realized what was gluing them together. The sheer happiness in their eyes said it all. She wasn’t a third wheel. I was.
Suddenly I knew what I could do to get him to like me! I had to be a Yin! Yes! That was the secret. I had to show him I could be what she is, and more. I could be the girl he always wanted, plus his buddy who was his best friend. I could be so much more than he dreamt of. And I intended to start right then.
I excused myself abruptly.
“Why? What’s the matter?”
“I have an appointment.”
“Why what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I just need to get my nails done. I had completely forgotten. And yeah after that, I m going shopping with my friends. You know, some girly time together.”
“Yeah I know what you mean,” she said. Well, have fun.
“You do all that stuff? I assumed u have an appointment with a dentist or something.”
Now that stung bad.
“Ciao dude. I need to rush”
And I intended to do just that. First I had to go to my house to fetch my wallet (I made a mental note to get myself a pretty purse) and then go to that parlor my friends always talked about. When I got to my building I saw the kids playing a game of gully cricket. One of them came to me.
“didi, we are falling short of one player. Will you play with us?”
I started to say no. but something made me say
“only if u let me bat.”
There was a general uproar at that statement but finally they let me have my way. A huge kid I couldn’t believe was just 15 came in to bowl. I smacked the ball hard.
And I lost track of time…
Saturday, May 22, 2010
when you are gone...
I was lonely before you came byNow I wish you weren’t there
Coz now I have to break my heart
And pretend that I don’t care
True, I didn’t care, I didn’t laugh
They said my heart was made of stone
Yeah, I stayed away from crowds
And preferred to stay alone
You came along to be with me
I wish we weren’t such a good pair
Coz now I have to walk alone
And pretend that I don’t care
My life was just some shades of grey
Your colours made it bright
Nothing was done when you were gone
You came, and everything was alright
You taught me how to laugh
When a smile from me was rare
Now I have to smile through my tears
And pretend that I don’t care
I was lonely before you came by
Now I wish you weren’t there
Coz now I have to break my heart
And pretend that I don’t care
Thursday, March 4, 2010
What Really Mattered...
WHAT REALLY MATTERED…
Chatty uncle cleaned the perfectly spotless china doll for what must have been the 15th time. Then he started inspecting the rest of the cabinet. Age old trophies and certificates won by his baba adorned the mantel piece. Even the most frivolous ones like participation certificate for a drawing competition (a hobby he didn’t even bother pursuing beyond that point) were on the shelf. But for Amol Chatterjee or shortly called “Chatty uncle” by his baba they were priceless treasures. He took his time appreciating each piece of certificate and trophy and then walked slowly towards the sofa set. Then resting his hand on the side of the cushioned armrest he sat on the floor. Even when he had the house to himself he couldn’t imagine seating himself on the sofa itself, though sometimes he longed to feel the softness under his aching back. He had once indulged himself, though. Just a few days after his baba had left for “vilayat”. He had come out of the kitchen with a steel plate which contained two chapattis and a curry with lots of gravy, a piece of lemon and salt on the side (his standard lunch for past 60 years) when he had seen the plush sofa cushions. He sat on it and felt immediate comfort- a kind of comfort he hadn’t even known existed. In an attempt to sit with his feet up as his master used to he had spilled some gravy on it. He was frantic with worry and though the stain came off with one wash with his expertise he could never risk sitting on the sofa again. He leaned his back against the side of the set which had a bit of a lining. This he felt was a bit similar to sitting on the sofa itself.
He heard a familiar sound of footsteps. His ears strained to become alert. He wished he was a few years younger as he propped himself up and tried to what he imagined to be a sprint to the main door. He wanted to catch the little devils before they rang the bell. However his age did not allow him such kind of agility. He had hardly gone mid way when the bell rang. Several times. He counted the number of rings. Six. Which meant one of the pesky kids hadn’t gone to play. He opened the door and saw six sets of handprints on the squeaky clean mahogany door. He walked inside and got a cloth to wipe it. It seemed like they were trying to see how high they could jump. He didn’t mind the children playing; but only as long as they didn’t dirty his baba’s door. After cleaning it till he could see his reflection in it, he stared at the nameplate for a minute. Anand Bose. His baba. He resolved to catch those kids red handed next time.
Amol was only 14 when he was forced to help his father in his job- which was working as a household help. His mother had abandoned him and his father when he was an infant. People cooked up different storied to justify her disappearance. That she had run off with another man; she had a fatal disease and couldn’t risk her family knowing about it; she had angered the spirit of the nearby lake when she washed utensils which were used to serve non vegetarian food were just few of the many fairy tales he grew up listening to. But the fact remained that he had grown up motherless and had never known her to miss her. His father was also his mother. So when his father asked him to abandon his dreams of further education to join him in his “business” he did not think twice. His father used to work at five different households. But the Boses were the ones he was particularly fond of. So naturally, Amol was made to take over the 4 other households so his father could devote all his time to them. 10 years later when the Bose family proudly announced the birth of the first child of that generation, Amol saw the happiest expression on his father’s then tired face. He wondered if this was the expression father had when he, Amol, was born.
When at the age of six the child, now named Anand, called his father Chatty uncle after their surname he rushed excitedly to tell Amol the news. By now, Amol could see that it was time for the old man to retire. After much persuasion he let his son take over the household work of the Bose family and in turn Amol inherited the devotion his father had for the family. Eventually he also inherited the nickname Chatty uncle from Anand who he fondly called baba. The 24 year age difference did not stop the master and servant from bonding. In fact, their degree of bonding was much higher than what his father and he shared. When his father passed away a year later Amol took a week off to perform his final duties towards his father and then limited his world to the Bose household. A game Anand was particularly fond of was the ball game. Anand would throw a leather bound ball in any random direction and Amol was expected to catch it. Sometimes Anand would hurl the ball in direction of the shelf which had all beautiful antique pieces and Amol would throw his entire body at the ball to stop it from hitting the shelf. Anand would squeak with delight and Amol never let him know how his heart stopped every time he did that. He remembered on particular day he was idling away near the teak dining set in the kitchen and Anand started his impromptu ball game. He shot the brown ball in direction of the shelf…
He saw the ball making its way to the precious trophy case and without thinking heaved his body towards the ball. He barely caught it in his frail fingers but he did it. His eyes dimly registered a yellow sponge ball. The ball wouldn’t have done much damage to the shelf but Amol wasn’t thinking much then. He saw three faces peering through the window- unmistakable joy on their faces and he started going to the window screaming abuses. The boys ran away laughing and Amol had a secret smile on his lips. It had been a long time since he had played the ball game. He decided he will try and befriend the boys. He thought maybe they could help him bring back the joyful days.
The next day he had his ears strained to catch the youngster’s footsteps. He intended to open the door as soon as they came to ring the bell. Then he would smile and invite all of them inside, and treat them to handmade freshly baked cookies. When he finally heard the “Thump! Thump! Thump!” their little feet made his heart started beating in anticipation. As he heard them right outside the door, he quickly opened it. The boy was caught off guard. He ran away scared shouting warnings to the others who were hiding at their usual posts. He tried to call them but they did not listen. After an hour he heard the footsteps again. He hobbled to the door and opened it before they could reach for the bell. The boys again ran away. He chuckled to himself as he realized a new game had been invented. Well, then the cookies will have to wait.
The next day he kept the door open and sat by it waiting for the little ones to arrive. He had almost fallen asleep when sound of slippers slapping against the floor alerted him. The kids were nowhere in sight. Instead their postman stood by the door unsure how to address the old man sitting on the floor by an open door.
“Excuse me; are you the owner of the house?”
“I am a mere caretaker. I live here alone”
“There is a registered post for a certain Amol Chatterjee”
“That would be me.”
“You need to sign here.”
How many years had passed since he had signed his own name? His hand trembled and his mind was confused beyond explanation as he tried to remember how to spell Amol. He thanked all his stars and also spared a kind thought for his father for giving him such a short name. What if it was Ganpatray like the grocery shop owner at the corner or horrors of horrors what if was Rajnarayan Swami like the security guard who refused to be addressed by any short version of his name?
His mind leapt with joy as he realized his baba had written to him. He hastily called the postman back and made him read the letter to him so there were no delays in knowing what his baba had to say to him.
Dear Chatty uncle,
It has been a long time since I have spoken to you. I hope you are fine. Due to your eternal blessings and grace of god I am doing fine. Unfortunately due to some reason my company is downsizing and I have to leave my job here. However I have a good severance package and so Smita and I am returning back to India
Anand
Amol did not understand half the terms. They were paying him to leave the job? And was he actually happy about it? He did not understand youngsters’ point of view. He had given up trying along time ago. Right now all he cared about was his baba and his bahu returning to their true home. He hadn’t even seen his bahu yet. But since she was his baba’s choice he decided he would like her as much as he loved his baba.
20th couldn’t come fast enough. The only way he could keep his mind off obsessing over how time has forgotten to move ahead was by indulging himself in little games he and the boys of the building had formulated. They would throw balls from the window and he would hurl himself to catch the ball. He would run to open the door before they could ring the bell. They sometimes inserted water pipe through the open window and once had almost ruined the carpet on which Amol slept. He had a weird dream that he was drowning in the sea when he realized that the floor was wet. The source of water was quickly located and he ran to the window threatening a good cane beating to the culprit. That was the gist of the game. The boys would go any lengths to disturb his peace of mind and he would have new threats ready- including feeding the boys to rats in the basements. But he knew all of it was in good humor; that the boys enjoyed the “games” as much as he did.
20th finally arrived. He was so nervous, nothing was clean enough. He obsessed over the trophy case, the carpets; the sofa set, the television set… the list was endless. He kept the window shut today just in case the boys think of something like dung bombs in the living room. He kept visualizing his baba arriving with his bride.
“he is like a father to me, you too should touch his feet.”
And Amol would decline, and give her the bracelet which was a family heirloom to his bahu as a sort of welcome into the household.
He had inherited the heirloom when he himself got married. But his wife had left him only after one year of married life citing reason that he never could find time for her or their family life. All he cared about was the job. She had taken nothing but her own belongings but the whole experience had left him bitter. He had never married again and had left his old house to move in this one as its caretaker. He knew he would never require that house again. He remembered the day he woke up to find his house empty except for him and his own belongings and had vowed that he would never put himself or anyone else through that ordeal again. He remembered the day vividly more so, because while he was sad and being tormented with guilt and frustration, his baba was jumping with joy eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new car into the household.
“When I grow up I will drive you around the whole world,” Anand had promised.
He saw the silver Indigo arrive at the gate from the terrace. He knew that it was his baba. He marveled at the beauty of the car and compared it to chariots kings in the stories he would make up for his baba would ride on. Only they were golden. This is pure silver.
They arrived at the doorstep and his baba and bahu entered the house.
“That was one hell of a flight. I am so tired! I am going to the bedroom to rest. You join me soon ok? You have had a long day too.”
That was Smita speaking in slightly accented English, and she headed straight to the bedroom leaving him with the luggage. He eagerly looked at Anand for him to say something.
“You have grown old! And you seem to have kept well in our absence. Good! Now I guess I should retire too. Please wake me up when tea is ready, will you?”
Amol thought they had forgotten their manners completely. His friend, the vegetable vendor was right. Once you go to ‘phoren’ they forgot all traditions. He did not notice when the kids came for their “game time”. When they rang the bell Anand came out all groggy in sleep and stared at no one outside in the corridor. Amol tried explaining that they were just young kids trying to have fun.
“And I m a tired man trying to catch some sleep. God! Is that all you did when we had left you in charge? Have fun?”
Amol was close to tears. No words about how clean the house was, how tidy their bedroom was… Anand softened a little when he saw his old servant’s face.
“I am sorry. I guess it’s just jetlag. This used to be our bedtime back in the states.”
Amol nodded in understanding and went to his kitchen with his head bowed. He was still thinking about what his baba had said when he realized it was time for tea. Lost in his thoughts he went to the kitchen and as he started to pour the tea the vessel slipped from his hand and there was a loud crash as the entire set crashed to the floor.
Later, Anand and Smita were talking to each other in the bedroom as Amol slept peacefully in the other room. That was the one which had some bare necessities and which he thought of as “my own room in baba’s house.”
“Don’t you think the servant is getting too old for the job now? He ruined the tea set; heaven knows what all he has ruined in our absence.”
“Smita, he has been in our family since I was born. He is very attached to our family.”
“Does that mean we have to put up with his incompetence for the rest of our lives? We have to look for a new servant. We could give him another chance for old times’ sake but that’s it.”
“We will give him another chance.” Anand finally agreed.
The next week in the rush of the morning hour now that his baba and bahu were in the house, he didn’t realize the ball getting hurled at the shelf. When he did realize he belatedly swung his hand again destroying a vase sitting on the edge of the show case collection. The vase was gift from Smita’s mother as a house warming present.
“I do not like the idea of firing him, Smita. He has been with me for too long. Its like firing an old friend.”
“So does that mean my feelings mean nothing to you?”
Anand was torn between love for his wife and loyalty of his Chatty uncle. The Chatty uncle who was with him since he learnt how to speak, the one who played with him, took him to park to play, observed him while he was studying, covered up for him when he hid story books behind his textbooks in time of examinations.
“We can give him enough money so he can live in comfort for the rest of his life. It will be like a severance package. We are doing fine, aren’t we? He will do fine too.”
When she put it this way, he couldn’t argue much.
******
Amol looked around at his empty “room” for the last time. Now that he though of it, it was never really full of belongings. Everything that was in there easily fit in the small bundle he carried on his shoulder. And the bundle wasn’t even too heavy. What was heavy was the lump in his throat as he realized there was nowhere he could really go. he remembered his old house and wondered what state it would be in now.
As he walked down the corridors he saw, for the first time all seven faces of his little tormentors at once. They looked younger than he’d imagined. He remembered how they had made him come alive even at this age, how they reminded him of the times when his baba adored him more than anyone else. As he thought of his baba the scowl in his face got stuck to his face. He could not move the muscles required to turn it into a smile. The children looked terrified. They had always feared him, and hence took utmost glee to see him helplessly running around falling for their tricks. It gave them immense pleasure to see him go as they had a deep rooted fear that he would actually carry out his threat and cane them or feed them to the rats in the basement.
Amol finally managed to smile at them and wink at them so they could for the last time acknowledge all the fun they had while playing their little games. But the children took to their heels as soon as they realized Amol was looking at them.
Maybe they just don’t realize they are never going to see me again. I always had a way with the kids. It is good to know that my life wasn’t totally worthless. I brought happiness in life of my baba and these children, even if in this case I wish the happiness had lasted longer.
His mind was filled with inexplicable joy as he waved goodbye to the security guard who saluted him as he left the building. And that was what really mattered in the end.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
FOREVER
in your arms i promised myself
i would let go of you never never
coz with you i felt so warm and safe
felt that i had known you forever
but forever is so long ago
long before shine in the stars above
forever's a time so long so long
i m now very sure you can't tag along
so dont say forever
i do recall the love in your eyes
i thought we'd always be together
u could've just promised a few moments
but you chose to promise forever
but forever is so long a time
u thought it was worth a penny a dime
forever's a time so long so long
i m not even sure you can be so strong
please dont say forever
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Footprints in the sand
He walked on the pavement by the park early in the morning… the fog made the scenario even more beautiful. He overheard a couple passing by complaining about the weather and how the fog had ruined their flight to
For Aarush, life consisted of two eras. Three, actually. He wasn’t blind from childhood. He had a normal life. He went to school everyday, albeit with a swollen face which straightened up on sight of his friends. He played games, he went for movies, and he went to the park. But all that was before his 7th birthday. A freak incident with firecrackers involving a daredevil stunt with his best friend Ishan had brought permanent darkness in his life. He could not bring himself to leave his old school though and with special permission continued attending classes. That’s when everything changed. Ishan broke all contact with him. He found that he could not cope with his old world without his vision. Soon his grades started falling apart. His friends had a different world now, a world where they could see everything, a world he could not be a part of. He no longer played games. He started to withdraw in his shell with an enormous inferiority complex. Slowly, as hard as he wished against it, he started forgetting how his friends looked like, how the park looked like, how a cricket ball felt in one’s hands. It was as though his brain was shutting down the visual department so that there was more space for memory and other senses. He was sent to a special school for children like him. And thus, a new era began.
That was 14 years ago. Now he was operated with cornea replacement and he had come back to the visual world. All the sights he had forgotten had come back to him and now he wanted to memorize all of them. And yet, despite his return he still couldn’t think of himself as a part of the “visual” world. He had made real close friends when he was at the school for blind and he could sense that those were his real friends. And he still couldn’t get rid of the bias he had in his mind about the people who could see. His old friends were part of that world and he couldn’t forget the feeling of betrayal when they had abandoned him when he needed them the most. He could not forget the mean tricks some kids played on him taking advantage of his disability just to have a laugh at his expense. And most of all he could not forget the tone of sympathy some of them adapted around him, the tone that kept screaming that they were conferring a huge favor on him by being his friends. He still couldn’t get past those issues. And today was the first day of his college where he would go back the visual world. He planned to stay as far from everyone as he could manage.
He sat on third desk from the right on the first row- right in front of the professor. He knew enough about the visual world to guess that no one would bother accompanying him on this spot. Except for geeks. And geeks mind their own business. So he had nothing to complain about them.
“Excuse me? Is this seat taken?”
He didn’t have much of a choice. He glanced at the girl who was easing herself next to him. She had a slight built and had a tired quality around her. Maybe it was because she had dark circles around her eyes or the sluggishness in her movements but she looked older than the giggling girls in the class. Her general mannerisms belied the tiredness he saw in her. She kept constantly chatting with him throughout the time and he was glad when the professor entered the class though 15 minutes late. The enthusiasm he had when the professor want shared by others though and by the time the class was half way through he actually had started to prefer his seat neighbour’s questions. Unfortunately she wasn’t done.
As soon as the class was done she was back to her chatty self and he found her to be gyrating on his nerves.
“Hey I m Nidhi by the way,” she belatedly introduced herself.
“Ishan.” He couldn’t explain yet why he lied about his name to her. But he felt she had an overwhelming quality around her. And he didn’t like the way she asked personal questions about him. He wasn’t really comfortable with divulging his school name, his previous address or his previous life. It was something he wanted to keep separated from his new environment, as if it was too precious to be shared with others.
“Oh.”
She didn’t look too happy with the answer. Had she noticed his real name written on his notebook? Good if it was. That would be a good hint for her. Maybe now she would consider leaving him alone. He started to walk away.
“Hey so wanna catch up a cup of coffee at the canteen?”
God this girl was unbelievable!!
“Nah I have classes to attend.”
“Fine I will go with you.”
Jeez!
“No its alright. You don’t have to. I can manage to find my way around.” He gave her an uncomfortable smile.
“nah. I will do whatever you wanna do.”
Wtf?!
“Why?” he blurted before he could stop himself.
“So we get to know each other, y’know, spend some time together..
“I have been in pune all my life. Nothing new about it. So..” he just shrugged.
“That’s so not true!”
“Excuse me?”
Her face mirrored his own astonishment. How did she know he wasn’t from Pune? What was with this girl?
“Well, you obviously don’t know a lot of people around here… so umm… I assumed…”
“Yeah listen, u r weird. I want you to quit bothering me okay? Just… stay away.”
She looked hurt. But he didn’t turn around to actually see her reaction to his words. He just kept walking away.
The next day she sat next to him again.
“Hi. Can you believe the first lecture is physics? Unbelievable!”
He could think of someone else who was unbelievable.
“What’s up with you? Are you like stalking me for some reason?”
To his utter bewilderment she laughed. Definitely unbelievable.
“I can imagine why you say that. But no nothing like that. You just remind me of someone I know.”
Huh?
“May I ask who?”
Why did you ask that???
“Just… someone.”
“As in someone u knew closely?”
“Yeah. Very closely.”
Aww man!!! This was so not what he needed right now. Some crazy chick getting reminded of someone “close” to her when she saw him.
“Why don’t you just go to him then?”
“Coz bhaiyya is way away in
“I remind you of your brother?”
There was the annoying laugh again.
“Yeah. What did you think?”
He thought she was crazy. But he has already told her that. Seriously what was with that girl?
“Hey wanna catch a movie the day after?”
“No.”
“C’mon man it will be fun!”
“I have plans.”
“With whom?”
“How is it any of your business?”
“C’mon man, you are my bro now!”
When did she decide that?
“Umm… alrighty… sis… lemme ask you a favour. Give me some alone time ok?”
“Alright.”
She left without another word. Now even he had started to feel genuinely sorry for ticking her off like that. But the truth was he was still uncomfortable with people. And that included her. People who didn’t stick to you when you need them the most were the most untrustworthy of them all. And she belonged to the world where selfishness was default emotion in everyone. For now, however, he felt every bit rude and selfish as the world he belonged to now. Maybe he would cut her some slack. He decided he will accept the invitation to the movie. Maybe even surprise her with the tickets. He went to the movie theatre for some advance booking.
The multiplex was a world of its own. Colors he couldn’t even start getting adjusted to, shopping arenas, food stalls… and above all the crowd. It was totally different from what he saw at college. He had to look around to find the queue for the tickets. He saw someone familiar in the queue. Sure enough, it was her.
“Hey what are you doing here?”
He could feel his cheeks go red. His skin started to feel hot. He looked in general direction of the crowd.
“I kinda came to buy tickets. Y’know… for the movie.”
This time the giggle was positively girly.
“That’s so sweet! Don’t bother though. I already bought them.”
And again the annoying feeling started creeping on him again. He clearly remembered declining her offer. And yet she had the audacity to buy tickets for him. As if she was so sure he would relent. He felt manipulated. And soon unexplainable anger started building up in him. Anger not necessarily directed at her but people in general. People who thought who could use him, manipulate him.
From nowhere a memory came back to him. This memory was different from the others. Different because it wasn’t as bright as it was now. He was staring into dark space because everything was dark to him then. He could not see anything. But he could hear a tin rattling every time he moved. He could hear giggles coming from somewhere nearby. But even as he pleaded for someone to come and help him no one did. He was manipulated into coming to this unfamiliar place since they said they wanted to play a game with him. He felt a creep descending on him when he couldn’t hear the giggles any more. It took a long time for him to realize that he was the game. And they had left as soon as they were bored of it. He was admitted to a special school the next week.
And even if what was happening now wasn’t the same humiliation he felt back then he was rudely reminded that people could get scheming. The hurt look she had on her face had manipulated him into trusting her. The same way the pleading sounds of his friends when they said they wanted to play a new game and they wanted him to be a part of it.
Unable to express his anger in words he started going away or else he feared he would physically attack her.
“Hey what happened?”
“Goddamned you! Just get out of my life okay? I have had enough of this drama. The only reason I stayed back with you was because I felt sorry for you. And y’know what? If you just don’t get frickin’ out of my life I won’t feel so sorry for you and I might physically hurt you. So just get lost ok?”
“Aarush wait for a second… you don’t understand… please let me explain”
Her words trailed when she saw him stop abruptly. With his body rigid like he had a spasm of some sort he turned to her.
“What did you just call me?”
“See I can explain everything…”
“How long have you known me? Really.”
“For more than 3 months.”
“Since I was at my institute for the blind.”
“The thing is…”
“Yes or no?”
“Yes”
“Why are you following me around?”
She stared at him saying nothing.
“Listen… I swear to god… if you play dumb now…”
“Because you have my brother’s eyes.”
The last sentence rung into his ears. She continued her story when he didn’t say anything for a long time.
“Ishan bhaiyya always felt guilty about being the cause of your blindness. In fact, the Diwali he celebrated with you was the last he ever celebrated. We moved from Kolkata to
She paused as though giving him time to digest what she had just told him.
“Before leaving for Kolkata though, he had promised me some quality time. We were going to spend an entire day together; go to an amusement park, catch up on a movie we both wanted to watch and then just chat into the night. That day never came. I thought maybe I could get a fraction of that from you. I thought, if I get to watch a movie with you, it would be something similar to watching a movie with bhaiyya. After all… you do have his eyes…”
He just stared at the ground. Now many pieces fell into pieces. Why she looked older than her age… her reaction when he said his name was Ishan… he hadn’t realized then that he had just blurted out the name of the last person he had spoken to at the institute. That was his old best friend. He couldn’t believe that in all these years of wallowing in self pity he hadn’t realized that he was turning into the very thing he hated. A selfish person.
When he looked up, she was gone.
*****
He sat in the window seat of the bus to
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