TURN BACK TIME
Once again, a casual conversation between my friend and me made me think of him. Hardly a big surprise considering I tend to associate every little thought with him. Most of the times nostalgia hits me like a wave leaving me mulling over things for weeks. Sometimes I make a lucky escape if I get distracted with other things or a nightmare or two. This time it was different though. Usual thoughts had crowded my brain- life would have been better without him in it or I wish I had never sent him that friend request or I wish I had never gotten so close to him. I am not sure if it was a dream, or just my imagination working overtime. But somehow I got a second chance.
I was sitting under a tree in a park, pretending to read a book, thinking about him. I noticed a girl staring at me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while I started to feel a bit self conscious. I gave her a tentative smile and she took it as an invitation to come over and talk to me.
“Hi. What book is that?”
I mumbled “a thousand splendid suns” as I couldn’t think of any way to ask her to get lost.
“You are not really reading that, are you?”
“Hmm.”
“It doesn’t help to think and rethink imagining different scenarios in your mind. You have to accept things the way they are, you know. That’s life.”
This girl was giving me the creeps but I instinctively knew she knew what she was talking about. Even then, that didn’t give her any right coming here and infiltrating my thoughts.
“I know it does no good but somehow I can’t help thinking about it. Life would have been a lot different if some things hadn’t gone the way they had. And you are right about having to accept things they way they are. And that’s the part which just pisses me off. The compulsion. If only I could turn back time, things could have been different. I would have been happier.”
“Well, so then, if u had a chance to turn back time, which day would you go to?”
“Hypothetically?”
“Sure,” she gave a non committal shrug,
“Probably the day I met him. I sent this complete stranger a friend request on orkut. What was I thinking?”
“probably it was just your instincts that drew you to him. The voice of your soul.”
“I wish the voice would have just shut up.”
“Fine, then you go back in time. This time I will be your voice of reason and I will not let you send him a friend request. Lets see if you would listen to me. Lets see how that goes.’
*****
I was sitting at a terminal in an internet café going through profiles of my friends. I saw him in friend list of one of my friends. He looked very familiar. Like I have spoken to him before, seen him before. I didn’t know why I kept returning back to his profile. But the truth was I did. And it had been three consecutive days since I have been staring at his profile picture trying to recall where I had seen him before. I checked his profile. Same college as mine. So he was not totally a stranger. It wouldn’t hurt to send him a friend request, would it?
But there was no point adding him either. I didn’t know him. We obviously didn’t run in the same circles or else we would have come across one another. For all I know, he could turn out to be a freak and I would curse the day I ever tried to initiate contact. With so much of reasoning I had done with myself, I thought I would rather not initiate any sort of contact. And so I just let it be.
I completed my graduation that year, went on for my post graduation and everything was quite uneventful. I had nothing to complain about. And yet, many times I kept wishing I had someone special in life. I had no idea why every time I thought about having “someone special” my thoughts kept drifting towards that day in the internet café when I kept staring at that guy’s profile picture.
That particular day all my friends had plans with either their family or “special ones” and so I didn’t have anything to do in particular. I was bored sitting at home and so armed with my copy of a thousand splendid suns I went to a nearby park when I noticed a girl staring at me. I got an overwhelming sense of déjà vu and I gave that girl a tentative smile. She came to talk to me.
“So are you happy now?”
At first the question just confused me and then suddenly I remembered. Both the timelines were etched in my memory with startling clarity.
“You got our wish. You turned back time and did everything differently. But I can’t let you remember both the stories. You will have to give one up. So which one is it?”
I didn’t know what to say. Without him, everything was just fine. I was spared the heartbreak of having to let him go, the incessant obsession sessions I had to go through before I finally accepted the fact that he and I could never be together, my life was much, much happier without him. Everything was perfect. It was a no brainer which timeline I should choose. So when I spoke to her, my voice was confident.
“I choose the first timeline. I want to meet him. Do everything I did it the first time.”
She smiled as though she had known my answer all along. But then again, she probably knew everything.
“Fine. It is your wish.”
“Do you think I made the right choice?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.”
And then she disappeared. The other timeline is slowly fading from my memory and once again I am tempted to rethink my decision. But then again, I think I should embrace every mistake I did. Because every mistake had helped my life shape up the way it is now. And I am quite happy with my life. even with its many disappointments. As for him, in words of Nick Mercer from the movie “The wedding date” – I think I would miss you even if we had never met.” This way at least I get to meet him, know him and enjoy all the wonderful memories.
